Ask Genevieve

by Genevieve

Hi Genevieve,

My name is Sasha, a German shepherd. I had my eleventh birthday last month, and think I'm in good health. I've gone grey in places and I can't chase rabbits as far as I used to, but I still enjoy my meals and people tell me how shiny and thick my coat is now that autumn is here. I would like you to tell Bryan how much exercise I should have. We go for about a half-hour walk every morning, but after that I want to sleep for the rest of the day in the sunshine. Bryan reckons I am lazy, but I notice that now that he's retired he spends most of his day sitting at his computer and sometimes having a sleep in the afternoon. I must paws now for another nap.

Sasha, New Zealand.

Dear Sasha,

I think that a half-hour of exercise and 23 1/2 hours to rest up is a very healthy balance. Your age and experience have definitely taught you to keep your canine priorities in order! Bryan is a typical human, all "do as I say, and not as I do." Dogs that sleep all day are lazy; humans who do are "retired." Dogs that poop in the house are "bad"; humans that do are reading the newspaper. Tell Bryan to stop dogging you about your sleeping habits.

Kibbles and Kisses,
Genevieve

Dear Genevieve,

I'm a little labby girl who just came to this house to live. There are other doggies here that play with me and are my new sisters. But there's this thing my new mom calls a KAT. It is just about my size. Why won't it play with me instead of making horrible noises when I get close? My feelings are very hurt about its attitude.

Freedom, yellow labby girl service-dog in training

Dear Freedom,

Puppies often ask, "Why are there cats?" I have researched this thoroughly, and unfortunately there is no good answer. I have concluded that cats were God's first attempt at making dogs, and He screwed up Big Time. Give the creature wide berth for now. Eventually she will get used to you and will come in handy as a heater on cold nights.

Kibbles and Kisses,
Genevieve

Dear Genevieve,

My human says I am spoiled rotten and need obedience training. What is obedience training? Do you think I need it?

Your admirer,
Champion Unicorn's Timothy, hairless Chinese crested , single, available to the right babe, I love youuuuuooooouuuuuu!

Dear Timothy,

Obedience training is when people try to get dogs to act human. The world, of course, would be a much better place if we could get humans to act more like dogs! But I would suggest taking the obedience training, because it is an excellent way to get more treats, and it is also a great way for a single dog to find dates.

(By the way, thank you for the compliments. Do you have money?)

Kibbles and Kisses,
Genevieve

OK, now for my pet peeve of the month: rude humans. You wouldn't believe the kind of things people say when they first see me! They should be saying things like, "That dog is so beautiful," or "That dog looks so smart," or "I'll give you a million dollars for her." But, no, I get things like:

That's a snack for my dog.
My cat's bigger than that.
Is that a dog or a rat?
That's not a dog - that's a gremlin.
I see you brought your guard dog with you.
I could use her next time I go hunting for lizards.
Gator bait!
Is that a real dog?
Taco Bell!
What kind of batteries does she take?

And they say it right in front of me, as if I didn't understand English. If they keep this up, I'm going to start turning the tables:

Is that a human or did the Goodyear blimp just land?
Did you get that dress at Petsmart?
Are you related to the Chihuahuas?
I thought Halloween was in October.
Grizzly bait!
Beavis and Butthead!
Didn't you win Westminster last year?
Did the last dog that played with you eat the pork chop around your neck?
Oh, you're a cat person? How big's your litter box?
That looks just like a human, only dumber.

So don't make me and all my doggy friends have to get mean. If you can't say something nice about us, bite your tongue - before we do.